11 weeks today, and i can hardly believe it. Seriously. I'm stunned. I'm praying everything is still ok, most of the morning sickness has stoped, and i'm just suffering with sore boobs now but honestly - I'm 11 weeks pregnant. OhMyGod.

We have an ultrasound next week. After that - its going to be very loudly announced from the top of every roof that hell yes people I"M PREGNANT! :o)

I'm starting to think that maybe

this baby just might make it.

I still have nausea most of the day (and night), my boobs are killing me, and lets not even talk about weeing a hundred times a day - and pooping once a week. (TMI?).

The point is, im starting to feel optimistic. Quietly so, but optimistic. Its sort of scaring me.

9 weeks and 2 days today. If we can get through the next three weeks with a happy heartbeating baby - then i will relax.

We have a heartbeat

so now, at 8 weeks and 6 days, I am feeling more optimistic. Only slightly mind you, I'm still terrified I'm going to do something to end this, but for now, we're OK.

Part of the thing that scares me is that last year, right after we had our ultrasound at 9 weeks, the baby died. I started to spontaneously miscarry the next week, and found out that literally, the day after the scan, the little heart had stopped beating. That sucked.

It also, effectively, ended any positive feelings i had about seeing a heartbeat and going on to have a successful pregnancy. Because something like 80% of pregnancies are fine after the heartbeat has been seen between 6 - 10 weeks, and again, our statistics sucked, and we lost our baby.

I'm still taking it easy. Lots of lying around on the couch, and trying to stress about stuff.

So, just felt like updating on the pregnancy, but since its still a secret.... SHHHH!

It nearly happened again

and on Thursday night i landed in the emergency department, bleeding, tired and terrified.

Our doctor was amazing. She pushed through all the tests immediately, we barely waited for anything. She sent us into ultrasound about an hour after we were seen, and there we saw out babies tiny heartbeat. I nearly fainted, i was so shocked to see him/her still hanging in there!

A few days of bed rest, and hormone testing, and so far, so good.

I just hope the news is good after next weeks scan.

5 weeks 4 days.

Why am I pregnant and hiding?

Pretty exciting finding out your pregnant isn't it! Especailly when you've been trying for 6 months like we have.

Of course, for us, there is excitement then fear. Usually, reasonably closely followed by failure to find the baby's heartbeat, and a crushing pain that nobody can describe.

Great times, pregnancy.

My boobs are killing me. Morning sickness hasn't kicked in, (it never has, with 5 previous pregnancies..) but i'm praying for it. Fatigue however, is not my friend. I am So. Damn. Tired.

All these lovely symptoms, also accompanied by a slight dose of constipation, and headaches.

Great times, pregnancy.

Hormones are good. Hormones help the baby hang in there utill the placenta kicks in. Asprin is good, asprin might help keep this baby alive. (ONLY TAKE ON MEDICAL ADVICE!!!!) All these things happening - they are good.

Except of course, they were all good last time until ten weeks in. Just when we started to relax, right after the scan.

So for now we wait. 5 weeks, 4 days pregnant and already, stupidly, in love with this baby.

I just hope he or she lives this time.

Pregnant and Hiding.

Despite what this blog title says - i'm not really hiding from anyone. Not in the physical sense.

I'm hiding my pregnancy. I dont want anyone to know about it.

But i want to blog about it. See i have another blog. But i don't want those that read that blog to know, that I'm pregnant.

Not yet at least.

Maybe, once i know that my baby will live, maybe once we hit the magical 15 week mark, then i'll start telling them.

Until then, its just our little secret.